ORLANDO, FL – In a stunning move that has rocked the amusement park world, Universal Studios has announced the acquisition of the entire Six Flags chain. The transaction, for an undisclosed amount, was allegedly orchestrated after Universal Studios management decided that, since they were already becoming more like Six Flags, they might as well “commit” and buy the whole chain.
Sean, a well-known theme park insider with an impeccable track record, first broke the news, stating that Universal’s decision was fueled by a fear of missing out on the opportunity to dominate the roller coaster market. It is rumored that Universal executives spent sleepless nights, haunted by dreams of roller coasters and cotton candy, before finally sealing the deal.
In a press conference, a Universal Studios spokesperson said, “We were tired of being known for our immersive, movie-themed attractions. We just want to go fast and make people scream. And Six Flags is the perfect partner for that.” The spokesperson then revealed the new company slogan: “Universal Flags: Embrace the Coaster.”
The acquisition has sent shockwaves through the industry, with both theme park enthusiasts and rival companies unsure of what to make of the situation. “Honestly, I didn’t see this coming,” said a stunned Disney executive. “We’ve been so focused on Star Wars Land and acquiring every media company on the planet that we forgot about roller coasters.”
The deal also means that Universal Studios will inherit Six Flags’ iconic mascot, Mr. Six. Sources say that Mr. Six is currently in talks with Minions, Transformers, and the cast of Jurassic Park to find a suitable place in the Universal family.
Insiders have leaked that the first order of business for the newly formed Universal Flags is to build a roller coaster so extreme that it makes every other ride in the world look like a carousel horse. Dubbed “The Big Universal Six-Flagged Coaster of Doom,” this new attraction is set to break all existing speed and height records, while also featuring a unique combination of 4D movie screens and free-falling simulators.
Despite initial skepticism, fans of both Universal Studios and Six Flags are reportedly excited about the merger. “I never thought I’d see the day when I could ride a roller coaster themed after Harry Potter, Superman, and a T-Rex at the same time,” said one eager parkgoer. “Universal Flags is truly the stuff of dreams.”
As Universal Studios and Six Flags prepare to merge their respective legacies, the amusement park industry awaits the resulting adrenaline-pumping, cinematic, and gravity-defying experiences. The world can only hope that Universal Flags lives up to its new name and delivers the ultimate roller coaster domination it has so boldly set out to achieve.
